Leading Doesn't Mean Being "Liked"
By Vic Downing
© Vic Downing January 13, 2008
“Popular” leaders didn’t get to be that way because people liked them. Likewise, the most powerful leaders are not those who give orders. The most successful leaders are people who are willing to be disliked and willing to make unpopular decisions… and who have grown sufficiently strong relationships with those they lead that those people often do what they don’t want to do.
Being “Liked” Is Not a Leadership Requirement
Make no mistake: there is not necessarily any honor or benefit in being disliked as a leader. Nevertheless, successful leaders want the team or the organization to win, far more than they want to be liked… and they want the team or the organization to win far more than they want “their way.”
Doing what’s required to “be liked” is to successful leadership what “just one drink” is to a recovering alcoholic.
Unfortunately, winning requires (in large part) making unpopular decisions and giving unattractive assignments. Leaders are people who can do that in ways that others willingly carry out even though they don’t like the decision or the assignment… and in some cases, even though they don’t like the leader.
Sadly, some people carry out disagreeable assignments for leaders they dislike because they are afraid of losing their jobs or injuring their careers, and in some cases they “do what they’re told” because “they know their place.” Although small-minded and undignified, that way of manipulating people and cow towing to egotists is adequate for operations that require mindless, mechanical, impersonal, and unimaginative work. Others, however, carry out disagreeable assignments given by a disliked leader because they have relationships characterized by personal authenticity, honesty, and commitment to a goal which is personally important to both leader and follower.
Relationships Are More Powerful Than Position, Competence, or Chains of Command.
Weak relationships derail leaders
A business leader with the right academic and work pedigree but with lack luster relationships will have teams that come close to exceptional performance, but never quite make it. The CEO of a non-profit organization with the right “look,” the guts to make tough decisions, an inspiring vision, and with a reputation of my-way-or-the-highway will find being in-charge is like trying to push a well cooked piece of spaghetti across a shag carpet. And in extreme cases, the military officer who is a “screamer” may get “fraged” (i.e., have a live fragmentation grenade thrown into the officer’s tent).
Command-and-control leadership is a contradiction in terms.
Strong relationships are prerequisites to exceptional performance
Gandhi wrested India from The United Kingdom, Martin Luther King, Jr. brought the U.S. out of The Dark Ages, Sir Winston Churchill plucked Europe from the jaws of despair, Mother Teresa inspired the entire planet and saved the lives of thousands, and Jim Lovell and Gene Kranz rescued Apollo 13 from outer space because each of these persons had –in the first place—built strong relationships with those whom they led.
How To Grow Relationships That Work
“Plant” Yourself
Relationships are grown, not built. The leader is the “seed” and those who may follow are the “soil.” It is the leader’s job to “plant” him/herself in the “soil.” Leaders go first by revealing: this is who I am as a person, this is what inspires me as a person, this is what troubles me as a person, and this is what I believe as a person. Since people do what they see far sooner than they do what they are told, most of those who see the leader “plant” him/herself as a person will respond in-kind… and with that a relationship is germinated.
Relationships are grown, not built.
Respond Now
Relationships are grown when the leader responds to those whom he/she wants to lead. It is more important for the leader to respond to criticism than to anything else. Criticism is either, (a) a courageous effort to add value by pointing out a hazard, or (b) a frustrated person’s last attempt to be heard before jumping ship, or© a reckless attempt to create chaos. In all cases, the speed and the nature of the leader’s response will have a powerful impact on the entire organization… powerfully constructive or powerfully destructive.
In every case, the criticism must be sincerely welcomed and responded to very quickly, preferably immediately or at least in the same day. Second, the response must always begin with making the critic’s point better than the critic could make the point… even if the point is not true. Third, the response should always clearly and plainly state what the leader will or will not do in reference to the criticism. Fourth, the response should be given in the venue in which it was received (e.g., if the criticism was given in private, the response should be in private). Finally, the response should always result in the promised action (see item three).
Make the critic’s point better than the critic could make the point… even if the point is not true.
Go There
Relationships are grown when the leader goes into the followers’ “space,” and when the leader eats a meal with the followers… especially if that meal is unique to that person or group. Leaders who have people on three shifts need to be seen on all three shifts. Leaders who have people spread across the continent need to be seen in all those locations. (Video conferences are better than phone calls and email… and they are no substitute for being there in-person). If you are leading people from distinct ethnic groups, host a dinner or a break with food… and get them to select the menu.
Listen Like A Person
Relationships are grown when leaders listen with authentic personal interest. The people you are leading are not subordinates, headcount, employees, or human resources. They are people. Each one has a unique and fascinating story. Add to the depth and breadth and enjoyment of your life by learning their story. “How did you decide to team up with us?” “What did your parents do that prepared you for this?” “When you were growing up, what did you think life would be like as a part of a team like this one?” “You said you have children? How many? What are their names? How did you select those names?” The conversations that will result are an endless river packed with the stuff of which authentic relationships are built.
They are not employees or subordinates. They are people.
“Pulling Rank”… Do and Don’t
Relationships are killed when leaders “pull rank.” First, let’s be clear: there are times when the leader must “pull rank.” “Pulling rank” is a leadership responsibility when a decision must be made and time has run out, when a subordinate leader is violating an ethical or professional code, and when the popular consensus contradicts the explicitly established strategy. On the other hand, “pulling rank” is leadership suicide when it is used to adjust proceedings to the leader’s preferred “style,” to tip the balance in a debate, to determine a banquet menu, to select the color scheme of a newsletter, to “make a point” by belittling a subordinate, or by arriving late for a meeting to which others are required to show up on time.
Relationships Are Essential…And Not Enough
A leader who has great relationships without technical competence and excellent management skills is like a company with the world’s best marketing campaign… for a product that does not exist.
Successful leaders “know the business”… in detail. There is simply no substitute for knowing the numbers, being on top of the trends, being intimately familiar with the competition, and –above all else—knowing the customer inside out. Leaders who expect to succeed as a result of relationships alone are like parents who love their children but don’t go to work and don’t know how to change a light bulb.
Successful leaders are excellent managers. If you cannot plan, staff, organize, and control the functions for which you are responsible, then you cannot intelligently delegate those tasks to others and you are of no value to the managers who report to you. You are at the mercy of unscrupulous managers and are, at best, a puppet being manipulated by circumstances and people beyond your control.
Leaders are not people who are liked.
Leaders are not people who give orders.
Leaders are people who are followed… when the going is tough and the leader isn’t looking. 
Track Record
30 years experience… North America, Asia, Europe… BioTech, Transportation, Distribution, Health Care, Manufacturing, Wholesale, Retail, Construction, Financial Services, Software… Sales, Service, Marketing, Environmental Health and Safety, Human Resources, Information Technology, Customer Service, Technical Services… CEO, CIO, CFO, Line Manager, First Line Supervisor, individuals, teams, virtual teams… find the problem, design the event, facilitate the meeting, train, inspire, build the process, fix the process, develop in-house expertise, listen, keep confidences.
Vic Downing
President, Global Advantage, Inc.
Sample Assignments
In two years increase per-square-foot net profit of a retail chain by more than 30% while expanding outlets by 10%… and be recognized as the number one quality vendor in the industry.
In one year reduce $300,000,000.00 operating budget by $47,000,000.00, not including savings associated with reduction in force.
Convene North American-Western European-Asian summit to resolve operational and cross-cultural issues that were impeding performance. Walk away with an integrated, measurable plan and a unified team with an extremely high level of rapport.
Jump-start a high potential manager whose performance was neutralized by the inability to delegate.
Prepare a Senior Vice President to plan, announce, and successfully manage two downsizings in six months, while improving the performance and loyalty of top performers.
Ramp-up emerging, high-technology production by 300% in 12 months while shortening cycle times, reducing waste, and improving morale.
Yeah but…
At Global Advantage, our customers sit at the top of the organization chart. Please let us know if you’ve got a question regarding this article, have a different perspective on this subject, or see something specific you want us to address.